David is outside mowing and raking in the 105 degree, humid, monsoon-season weather. Trey is asleep for his nap - he's been down about an hour so he'll sleep probably another hour or two. David took care of him this morning - they went on errands to Lowe's, the credit union, and Sprouts (my favorite place to buy produce). While they ran errands, I slept because I work tonight, tomorrow, and the next night. When I woke up, Trey was already down for his nap, and the house was clean - the dishes were done, the floor was mopped, the toys were all picked up in the family room. So I sit here sipping my coffee enjoying the quiet waiting to start dinner in a little bit.
It all sounds wonderful, huh? It IS wonderful - it's wonderful that my husband grew up watching his Dad serve his Mom and their family around the house the same way David helps around here - he had such an incredible role model. And I appreciate David, and I make a point to verbalize and express that appreciation. But more often than not, instead of feeling that it's wonderful, I struggle with my role as the (for now) breadwinner. I actually feel lost most of the time. I love my job - I completely believe that for me, being a nurse is a calling from God. But more than that, I believe being a wife and a mom are my first and second callings and priorities, seconded only to loving God and striving to live in a way that pleases Him. I love being home - I love caring for Trey and spending time with David. But when I'm at home, I don't feel like I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing either due to usually being exhausted from working full time nights. I feel like I do everything halfheartedly. I grew up in a wonderful home too, but my mom did all the housework (not that my dad wouldn't help but my mom just usually did everything) and my dad brought in the income. Sometimes I think those very traditional roles are stuck in my head, and if I am not doing all the things I expect I should do, then I feel like I am failing as a wife and mom. I know that to say that sounds irrational, but these are the thoughts and feelings I am struggling with.
I also know that this is just a season in my life. Our plans were for me to work while David goes to school. Our plans have been altered a bit - we knew nothing about our living arrangements when we left TN a year ago, but God provided an amazing opportunity for us here at UIM for David to work as a caretaker. He hasn't been able to attend traditional classes like he intended due to responsibilities at UIM and caring for Trey. But he has started an online course that he should finish around the time the baby is born. We are anticipating with this training that he will get a full time job, and I can stay home with our boys. Eventually, we would like to move back East to be closer to family, but we are trusting God for His timing in all of that.
Is this internal struggle abnormal? I work with a lot of women who don't seem struggle with working full time and being moms. They see work as an outlet for them - some have even told me that they are better moms when they aren't around their kids all the time. That is not me at all. I get confusing messages from society about the kind of wife and mom I am supposed to be instead of who God wants me to be. I want to please God in my heart attitude and my actions. So I am seeking Him for what His Word says about what a Godly wife and mom looks like. When I see what He says, then the turmoil within me settles some. God talks about a wife being a diligent, hardworking, trustworthy, respectful, loving, always looking out for the good of her household. I think that looks different for each woman and family. Our situation right now has me working outside the home and David working at home and caring for Trey while I work. God has provided amazingly for us, and I am so thankful for that. But in my heart, I am so looking forward to being home full time and caring for David, Trey, and our new baby boy. If you could pray for me that I will be patient and trust God in this process, and that I won't believe the lies the enemy throws at me about not being a good wife and mom. This has been a discouraging last couple months as I struggle with all these thoughts and feelings, and I wanted to be honest so that you could pray for me and for us.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
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4 comments:
I will be praying for you, Joy. That is a lot to deal with, and keep in mind that you are probably pretty emotional right now, so this might be hitting you harder than it has in the past. I think you are an awesome mom and even though you may not be home as much as you'd like right now, remember that God has a plan for you and He knows your heart's desires. I know you will keep honoring Him in all you do, and He will bless you for that!
No, Joy, I don't think your struggle is abnormal at all. We had a little different situation when we first got married--Brian and I were both working, but he was finishing up his undergrad, so I actually earned more than he did at the time. I finished out the school year (and my contract), but was pretty miserable most of the time. After much prayer and soul-searching, I decided I needed to be a SAHW/M. (I say I decided because Brian said he would support whatever I chose, but left the decision up to me.) I had to work part time while we were in Georgia, and have done some babysitting, etc., but other than that I have been home full-time and have never regretted it. As you say, each family has to figure out what is best for them, but I just say all this to let you know you are not alone in your struggles, and I will be praying for you all. (By the way, during that time, I was given a book by Trish (your FIL and my dad's cousin) that talked about that struggle you describe. It's called "The Mission of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson--perhaps you would enjoy reading. I know it's easy to say this, but take care of yourself and that precious new baby ;-)
I will pray for you in this. Thanks for your honesty and sharing from your heart.
I am praying for you Joy. I don't think your struggle is abnormal. As a mommy, I struggle to, just with different things. Since I am home all day, I fear that the days pass in a blur, and I am not truly enjoying my children as I should. I can get caught up in the "there's always tomorrow" mindset. I need to be constantly reminded to grasp each moment and see it for the blessing it is. I struggle with perfection with my home, and that can come between my relationship with my kiddos and time spent with them. Anyway, all this to say you are not alone. Satan is good at attacking the areas in our life most dear to us.
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