David is outside mowing and raking in the 105 degree, humid, monsoon-season weather. Trey is asleep for his nap - he's been down about an hour so he'll sleep probably another hour or two. David took care of him this morning - they went on errands to Lowe's, the credit union, and Sprouts (my favorite place to buy produce). While they ran errands, I slept because I work tonight, tomorrow, and the next night. When I woke up, Trey was already down for his nap, and the house was clean - the dishes were done, the floor was mopped, the toys were all picked up in the family room. So I sit here sipping my coffee enjoying the quiet waiting to start dinner in a little bit.
It all sounds wonderful, huh? It IS wonderful - it's wonderful that my husband grew up watching his Dad serve his Mom and their family around the house the same way David helps around here - he had such an incredible role model. And I appreciate David, and I make a point to verbalize and express that appreciation. But more often than not, instead of feeling that it's wonderful, I struggle with my role as the (for now) breadwinner. I actually feel lost most of the time. I love my job - I completely believe that for me, being a nurse is a calling from God. But more than that, I believe being a wife and a mom are my first and second callings and priorities, seconded only to loving God and striving to live in a way that pleases Him. I love being home - I love caring for Trey and spending time with David. But when I'm at home, I don't feel like I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing either due to usually being exhausted from working full time nights. I feel like I do everything halfheartedly. I grew up in a wonderful home too, but my mom did all the housework (not that my dad wouldn't help but my mom just usually did everything) and my dad brought in the income. Sometimes I think those very traditional roles are stuck in my head, and if I am not doing all the things I expect I should do, then I feel like I am failing as a wife and mom. I know that to say that sounds irrational, but these are the thoughts and feelings I am struggling with.
I also know that this is just a season in my life. Our plans were for me to work while David goes to school. Our plans have been altered a bit - we knew nothing about our living arrangements when we left TN a year ago, but God provided an amazing opportunity for us here at UIM for David to work as a caretaker. He hasn't been able to attend traditional classes like he intended due to responsibilities at UIM and caring for Trey. But he has started an online course that he should finish around the time the baby is born. We are anticipating with this training that he will get a full time job, and I can stay home with our boys. Eventually, we would like to move back East to be closer to family, but we are trusting God for His timing in all of that.
Is this internal struggle abnormal? I work with a lot of women who don't seem struggle with working full time and being moms. They see work as an outlet for them - some have even told me that they are better moms when they aren't around their kids all the time. That is not me at all. I get confusing messages from society about the kind of wife and mom I am supposed to be instead of who God wants me to be. I want to please God in my heart attitude and my actions. So I am seeking Him for what His Word says about what a Godly wife and mom looks like. When I see what He says, then the turmoil within me settles some. God talks about a wife being a diligent, hardworking, trustworthy, respectful, loving, always looking out for the good of her household. I think that looks different for each woman and family. Our situation right now has me working outside the home and David working at home and caring for Trey while I work. God has provided amazingly for us, and I am so thankful for that. But in my heart, I am so looking forward to being home full time and caring for David, Trey, and our new baby boy. If you could pray for me that I will be patient and trust God in this process, and that I won't believe the lies the enemy throws at me about not being a good wife and mom. This has been a discouraging last couple months as I struggle with all these thoughts and feelings, and I wanted to be honest so that you could pray for me and for us.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Some new things...
I am trying to get a little more structure into our daily routine. Trey is great about eating and sleeping, but other than that, we don't have much of a schedule. I am trying to take advantage of some community resources that is available for us to be involved with. I think a little more structure will help him especially when the baby is born. Last Sunday at church, he was promoted from the infant nursery to the toddler class. They have a lot more structure in the toddler class - they have Bible story time, play time, and craft time. He really seems to enjoy the class. His teacher Mrs. Ruth said he was very good but very busy - the only time she said he sat still was during snack time (go figure).
I took Trey to Toddler Time at the library near us today. There were 8 other little kids in there - they all sat nicely on their mom's laps and did the motions to the songs. They all listened to the 2 stories that were read. The first few minutes, Trey clung to me and wouldn't turn around to face his peers. But then he warmed up to his new environment ... and he was off and running. He ran around the room the rest of the 20 minutes. Toddler Time is in a room with a door so he couldn't escape which I was very thankful for. He didn't quite understand when the librarian was reading the book why he couldn't hold the book and turn the pages himself. He did laugh and clap when the other kids laughed and clapped. He enjoyed the bubbles that were blown. But mostly he ran in large circles from one side of the room to the other. I think with us going to this every Wednesday morning, he will become more familiar with the songs and stories. He must have expended a lot of energy cause he took a really great nap this afternoon.
Also, tonight for the first time, we went to a restaurant and Trey didn't eat the crayons. I was so happy because every time, we have to fish crayon particles out of his mouth. I always check before I let him use them that they are non-toxic. I bought him some jumbo crayons last week so that we could color at home. He has enjoyed sitting in his booster seat up to the table and coloring on paper. He even made his friend Parker a birthday card. So maybe becoming more familiar with crayons at home has helped him when we are out. I still don't trust that he won't try to nibble on crayons in the future, but this was a big first for us tonight.
I took Trey to Toddler Time at the library near us today. There were 8 other little kids in there - they all sat nicely on their mom's laps and did the motions to the songs. They all listened to the 2 stories that were read. The first few minutes, Trey clung to me and wouldn't turn around to face his peers. But then he warmed up to his new environment ... and he was off and running. He ran around the room the rest of the 20 minutes. Toddler Time is in a room with a door so he couldn't escape which I was very thankful for. He didn't quite understand when the librarian was reading the book why he couldn't hold the book and turn the pages himself. He did laugh and clap when the other kids laughed and clapped. He enjoyed the bubbles that were blown. But mostly he ran in large circles from one side of the room to the other. I think with us going to this every Wednesday morning, he will become more familiar with the songs and stories. He must have expended a lot of energy cause he took a really great nap this afternoon.
Also, tonight for the first time, we went to a restaurant and Trey didn't eat the crayons. I was so happy because every time, we have to fish crayon particles out of his mouth. I always check before I let him use them that they are non-toxic. I bought him some jumbo crayons last week so that we could color at home. He has enjoyed sitting in his booster seat up to the table and coloring on paper. He even made his friend Parker a birthday card. So maybe becoming more familiar with crayons at home has helped him when we are out. I still don't trust that he won't try to nibble on crayons in the future, but this was a big first for us tonight.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Family Time - Part Two
On July 15 (my birthday), we left for Pennsylvania for 2 weeks. I had been anticipating this trip for several months. It was so good to be home for my birthday, and to see my parents, my Grammy, my sister, and the rest of my family. I was able to see some friends while I was home - Colleen, Becky, and Judith. My sister Faith and I weeded and mulched my Gramma's rose garden - that was a true labor of love. We spent well over 5 hours in the sun that day - I actually forgot I was pregnant and probably overdid it a little because my back hurt for days after that. But I was so happy to help my Gramma. She loves her roses, but she has not been able to get out and care for them this year. Trey slept really well at my parents - my mom has a pack n play for him. He usually sleeps well in most places but it takes him a little bit to get used to new surroundings, but he adjusted immediately to his new sleeping arrangements. He loved running around their yard and playing with his cousins (my sister's and brother's kids). He had to learn new boundaries while we were there at Grandma and Grandpa's house because there is lots of new stuff to touch and get into. He did pretty well for the most part.
My brother Mark and his family came to PA our last 4 days there. Mark and his wife have 3 children - their youngest is Victoria - she is 7 months older than him. Trey really liked playing with her at first, but a couple times she took a toy away from him and he didn't like that very much. He would just look at one of us and cry. He seemed to be afraid of her after one that, but he got over it our last day together. I had been so homesick to it was so good to be there for a couple weeks and be able to sleep at night instead of during the day for 2 weeks.
My brother Mark and his family came to PA our last 4 days there. Mark and his wife have 3 children - their youngest is Victoria - she is 7 months older than him. Trey really liked playing with her at first, but a couple times she took a toy away from him and he didn't like that very much. He would just look at one of us and cry. He seemed to be afraid of her after one that, but he got over it our last day together. I had been so homesick to it was so good to be there for a couple weeks and be able to sleep at night instead of during the day for 2 weeks.
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Family time - Part One
We had a really fun July. I'm sad that it's over. On July 7, my brother Phil and his wife Brenda and my nieces Rachel, Abby, and Olivia spent 2 nights with us on their way to Tuscon to visit Bren's family. Trey loved having his cousins to play with. I lost my camera sometime during their visit, so I am waiting on Bren to send me some pictures of their time here. On the night they arrived, I made Mexican for dinner and then we went to a double feature drive-in movie at the 9 screen theatre about a mile from our house. It was a lot of fun, but the pavement radiated the heat from the day so it was a very warm 2 movies to sit through. The next day we went to a water park about 30 minutes from us called Big Surf. We all splashed around for several hours - Trey enjoyed the big wave pool after he got used to it. He really loved the little kiddie water area where he could walk around. David and I were able to go on some water slides together which was super fun. We all had so much fun together, but the time was too short (as always).
On July 14, we had a follow up level 2 ultrasound to further assess our baby's cysts in his brain and to get detailed images of other body parts that could be affected if there is something else more serious going on (like Trisomy 18). The perinatologist (Dr. Lam - I work with him at Good Sam) told us that everything with our baby looks perfectly normal. He is not concerned about the cysts - he called them a variation of normal. It was very reassuring to have this ultrasound. All the rest of my bloodwork has come back normal as well. Dr. Lam said that there is no guarantee that the baby is perfectly normal unless we do an amniocentesis, but I am not wanting to take the risk of the amnio just to find out. Dr. Lam said he wouldn't even recommend that we get one because he is not concerned about there being a problem with the baby. We are thanking God for this good report. I will still have followup ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy, but my doctor expects the cysts to resolve on their own. Our little guy was opening and closing his mouth during the ultrasound and moving all over - looks like I am growing another busy little boy :-). The tech gave us a CD of pictures and took 3D pictures for us. I loved seeing him.
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His knee bent and his foot
On July 14, we had a follow up level 2 ultrasound to further assess our baby's cysts in his brain and to get detailed images of other body parts that could be affected if there is something else more serious going on (like Trisomy 18). The perinatologist (Dr. Lam - I work with him at Good Sam) told us that everything with our baby looks perfectly normal. He is not concerned about the cysts - he called them a variation of normal. It was very reassuring to have this ultrasound. All the rest of my bloodwork has come back normal as well. Dr. Lam said that there is no guarantee that the baby is perfectly normal unless we do an amniocentesis, but I am not wanting to take the risk of the amnio just to find out. Dr. Lam said he wouldn't even recommend that we get one because he is not concerned about there being a problem with the baby. We are thanking God for this good report. I will still have followup ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy, but my doctor expects the cysts to resolve on their own. Our little guy was opening and closing his mouth during the ultrasound and moving all over - looks like I am growing another busy little boy :-). The tech gave us a CD of pictures and took 3D pictures for us. I loved seeing him.
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Both legs
His knee bent and his foot
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