A Little Lesson in Thankfulness

My heart has been hurting the past week and a half for very dear friends of ours who also happen to be my sister in law and brother in law.   After a couple years of wanting a baby but not being able to achieve pregnancy, they were so excited to announce a little over a month ago that they were expecting their first baby.  We all rejoiced with them as we had been praying that God would give them a child.  Everything in the pregnancy was going exactly as expected until last week when she went for an ultrasound.    Just the week before, there had been a strong heartbeat.  They were reassured that this was a good, healthy pregnancy.  Then last Wednesday at 10 weeks gestation when they went in for an ultrasound, the baby had stopped growing and there was no heartbeat.  What had been been sheer joy was now utter devastation - for them and for so many that know and love them. 

I don't understand why God would give such a wonderful gift to these sweet friends only to then let it be taken away.  I know that He loves them, and that He desires good and not evil for them.  But it is so hard to accept this as being sifted through His hand.  I'm not trying to question God or say that I know better than He does because I certainly do not.  This is one thing as a labor and delivery nurse that I always struggled with: the women that do everything right in their pregnancy seem to have more problems (at times) than the women that live very selfishly in their pregnancy by smoking, doing drugs, drinking alcohol, not taking care of themselves physically, etc.  Or why are there so many happily married, loving couples who can't become pregnant yet there are young girls who can get pregnant by accident on a one night stand?

So as I was struggling with this the other night, I decided it was a good time to pray about it with Trey.  We had been praying for the baby, and now we wanted to pray for the sweet parents who were left with unfulfilled dreams and empty arms.  I knelt down on the floor next to Trey, and I told him we were going to talk to Jesus about Uncle Matt and Aunt Renee.  I started to pray and ask God to comfort their hearts, but Trey kept interrupting me. 
"No, Mama, God our Fodder (Father)..."  he said.
"Trey, we'll sing God our Father after we talk to God first."  I said, knowing that Trey wanted to sing the song we sing before our meals thanking God for our blessings.  I started to pray again.
"No, Mama, sing God our Fodder..." he now insisted. 
So instead of speaking our prayer, we began to sing, "God our Father, God our Father, we thank you, we thank you, for our many blessings, for our many blessings, Amen, Amen"
And as soon as we were done singing, I heard the Spirit of God speaking to my heart telling me that in times of not understanding, of unspeakable pain, thankfulness will carry me through.  I may not have the answers to why things happen the way they do, and I don't need the answers.  But my response is to give thanks - not necessarily for the trial but in the trial.  I had wanted to pray with Trey and ask God for comfort for my friends - but through a simple song by my two year old, God reminded me that it in giving thanks, my focus is on my Creator, my Savior, not the seemingly overwhelming circumstances.  A very simple time with Trey yet it was a life lesson for me that I hope to not ever forget. 

Thank you, Father, for meeting me in my hurt and pain and reminding me of your truth.  And thank you for the healing you are already providing to Matt and Renee - please continue to draw them close to You and to each other.  May Your perfect will be done in their lives and their family.

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thessalonians 5:18

New for Today

Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,  for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

I woke up this morning with this on my mind "His mercies are new every morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23)  I was originally thinking that and praying for close friends who recently lost their baby through miscarriage.  But as my day wore on, I continued to claim that promise on this day as a mommy.  It's been a challenging day so far - nothing big to make it hard - just the little things that tend to wear me down.  So I have intentionally thought about how in this day, my Savior's unfailing love and new mercies can renew my mind.

When my ten month old who is going through a growth spurt wakes up hungry at four 'o' clock in the morning, I quietly whine to myself about my "right" to uninterrupted sleep and go get him so he won't wake up his older brother.   As I nurse him in the dark for a few minutes before he drifts off to sleep, I think "His mercies are new every morning."  And His grace has given me this precious, growing one.

When a little voice at a much too early time peers over the side of my bed and says to me "Mama, get up please.  I need my cup.  I am firsty"  I want to insist that he go back to sleep and wake up when I am ready to be awake, but instead I get out of bed and sleepily get his cup for him.  As my toddler snuggles with me in the quietness of the morning, I am reminded "His mercies are new every morning."  And His grace has given me this quiet moment with my not-often-very-still little boy.

When I take my boys to the library for story time, and my toddler continuously pulls me in the opposite direction of where we are headed, I become tired of fighting his own little agenda and disobedience.  I am reminded that His mercies are enough to give me the strength to be kind yet consistent even in these frustrating moments.

When I am fixing lunch, and my little boy decides that he will throw a level eight temper tantrum for no apparent reason, I stand over him perplexed as to how to respond in the right way.  I breathe a prayer for strength and insight, and I remember that even in this temper tantrum, His mercies are new every morning.  And His grace provided an encouraging phone call from my mother in law at just the right time after that.

When I am overwhelmed, frazzled, or just tired from the many mundane tasks involved with mommyhood, I thank my Father for allowing me the privilege of being home full time with my boys.  Even when I am picking up those Mr. Potato Head pieces for the 16th time today and helping my little boy make the 33rd letter "T" in a row on his magnetic doodle pad, I can rejoice that I am doing what God wants me to be doing.  In this purposeful gratitude, I am reminded  that "His mercies are new every day."

I am so thankful to not have to rely on the strength, mercy, and grace that are leftovers from yesterday.  I am claiming the promise that my Father supplies new strength for each new day, and I am so grateful that He speaks to me in the quiet places of my heart at exactly the right time. 

Downgrading

Have you ever felt like your life was circling the drain?  I say this referring to your life getting busier and feeling more cluttered but you can't seem to keep up?  That is how I have felt in the last couple months despite the fact that I am not working outside the home any longer.  I kept thinking that after we moved, things would feel less stressful.  And then I was thinking that after we got our home all unpacked and organized, things would feel less stressful.  And then I assumed that after we all got into a bit of a schedule and routine, life would be a little less stressful.   But it didn't.  Life on the outside kept getting more calm, and life on the inside (of me) kept getting more and more crazy.  I didn't want to say a whole lot to anyone because I didn't want it to appear that I was ungrateful or incapable of staying home with my boys and being a homemaker.  I had wanted so badly to be home with my family, and now that I had it, I was feeling completely overwhelmed.  I realized that I needed to get a grip I needed to be renewed in my mind but I wasn't sure what to do about it.  So as I have been seeking some sort of balance in my life, I have discovered a couple things.  They are simple and basic but also have a profound impact if I'm not following through.
1) I need Jesus.  Really need Him.  I am learning this in a deeper way.  I don't know about you, but I have found that marriage and motherhood have driven me to my knees more than any other roles in my life.  I can't do this on my own.  I need wisdom and insight that can only come from my Heavenly Father.  I have found that I am craving quiet time with Him.  I need to trust Him to provide for us, and be joyfully grateful for all His blessings. 

Trey showing Jonathan pictures in the Jesus Storybook Bible

2) I need sleep.  I haven't really slept well in over 2 years because of working night shift.  Even when I went back to work in January after Jonathan was born, I only slept for a couple hours at a time before David would bring him in to nurse.  My body is still so tired.  And that affects my outlook on life.  Along the same lines is eating properly and exercising regularly.  My body has been out of whack in so many areas because of my work schedule, but I have been trying to be intentional about making small, steady changes.

3) I need friends.  It's not that I don't want to have friends, but all relationships take effort and time.  When I am feeling like I am in #2 above, I don't really want to make time for friends.  But I am finding that by getting out a little bit everyday or so by meeting a friend at the park while our children play, it is helping me overall. I think when you have children, it is hard to reach out because time is so limited, but it is so important.  Other people need me too - not only do my friends have something to offer me, but I have something to offer them too.  I still have a home to manage and children to train, but in the end, I still have free time available for others.    I am so thankful for the women that have befriended me since we moved, and it brings me great joy to see my boys having fun learning and interacting with other children.

4) I need to prioritize.  I get distracted very easily.  Have you ever been around someone who is with you but not present with you?  I tend to be a blog/Facebook addict waste a bit of time on things that don't matter a whole lot.  I have been really convicted of this most recently when we were upgrading my cell phone.  My smartphone had internet on it.  I would sit during any spare minutes I had and surf the web and check status updates on Facebook.  My boys would be in the bathtub, and I would be sitting there with them but checking my email.  I got so tired of wasting my time and not being present.  I couldn't seem to put it down.  I talked in length to my husband about this too.  I don't want to walk through life distracted and unaware of the needs around me.  I want to be attentive to my family.  So we downgraded me.  I gave up my smart phone, and now just have a simple phone to make calls or occasionally text with no internet.  I can't tell you the freedom I felt (and the money we are saving every month) in downgrading my plan.

I have a medical condition (hypothyroidism) that may be causing some of these "funkish" feelings - I recently went to my doctor to have some labs drawn to make sure my thyroid levels are still where they should be.  But I think that a lot of changes at one time (like moving, changing careers, etc.) can be overwhelming to most people.  I am so thankful that God promises that His mercies are new every day - I don't need to worry about how I'm going to get through tomorrow or even next week.  I have to trust He is sufficient for today, and resting in His care brings joy that circumstances can't diminish.

 

Still here

We have barely hanging on due to all the major life changes super busy the past almost 5 months I have stepped away from blogging.   In this post, I talked about some of the changes that I thought may be on the horizon for our family.  It was pretty evident that God was redirecting our family.  David and I both knew that it was time for me to come home from working full time.  It wasn't working for our family anymore.  At all.  I admire the mama's out there that can seem to "do it all".  I am not one of those women.  I was missing my family immensely and feeling guilty for not being home when I was at work.   This was a very clear indication to both David and me that it was time for a change. 

So to not bore overwhelm you with the details, I will summarize the changes that have occurred in our family in the past 5 months.

• David accepted a sales position with a wireless telecommunications company in Northwest Georgia to start in mid-August. 

• We took a quick weekend trip to Santa Monica and Los Angeles, California.

• I resigned from the hospital in late July.  Even though I love being a nurse, I gladly accepted my new position as full time homemaker and mommy even though I feel like I have no idea what I am doing inadequate most days.

• We said goodbye to our church and our friends we have made over the past two years.  It is always hard to say goodbye.  Arizona is the only life Trey ever remembered and Jonathan ever knew.

• We packed up our home in August and then flew to PA for a family visit.  We were able to see all my siblings which only happens every two years.  Trey and Jonathan loved the time with their cousins.

•  David flew back to Arizona a week after went to PA to load our items on a truck and then drove our car out to Georgia.  My parents drove me and the boys down to meet David in TN.

• We stayed with our friends for 10 days before our apartment was ready in late August.  We basically lived out of suitcases for a month straight.

• Trey is now potty trained - he was more than ready.  He started a 2 day a week Mom's Morning Out program at a local church to give us a little structure.   He loves it.

• We bought a second car - a 2004 Toyota Sienna XLE with 53,000 miles. We did it the Dave Ramsey way - saved two years and paid cash for it.   We were so excited.

• Our boys grew, grew, grew and kept us busy, busy, busy.  Trey devoured 311 popsicles this summer.   Jonathan decided there was more to life than mama's milk - he finally decided to eat some fruits and veggies after 3 months of no success.

 We have had a fairly decent transition to Georgia.  The boys did amazingly well with all the travel.  They definitely had their moments (so did I), but we are thankful to be here.  We are closer to family and friends.   As exciting as new things can be, they can also be overwhelming.  I am past the excitement and have crossed over into the overwhelmed a bit.  This is new territory for me - learning how to care for two little boys and manage our home every day.  But as I was reminded this week, because of God's great love, I am not consumed.  He gives strength for each moment.  I would ask you to pray for me as I seek what Jesus has for me and our family each day.  I don't want to miss little moments with my boys or with others because I am bogged down with homemaking responsibilities.

We had Jonathan dedicated to the Lord this summer.  My Dad was with us.

Me, my Grammy, and my boys

Trey's first day of Mom's Morning Out

Our van was worth the wait!

at the Hollywood Walk of Fame

Niagara Falls, NY