She loves me, she loves me not

I've been reminded about the importance of my motive behind my actions the last couple of weeks.  I sense that God is stirring my heart -  not exactly sure what He is teaching me just yet - but I know He is stirring me and drawing me closer to His heart.  I'm starting to understand in a deeper way that this life is about my relationship with Him not about how carefully I construct my own little rules and then check them off my list.  It's about how my heart and spirit is obedient to Him even when my life (and my children) may still appear messy and not in perfect control.  I've been reminded of this recently because I am so new to this stay at home mom role.  I was initially overwhelmed but am now settling into what God has for me during this season of life.  And I want to do it well.  Here goes my list of expectations for myself: I want the children to mind me when I tell them something.  I want the house to be clean and cozy (not chaotic) when David comes home from work.  I want my dinners to be impeccably timed and tasteful.  I know that my life will not run perfectly, but I have certain standards that I want to maintain.  But today as I was hurrying around trying to get baths done and dinner dishes cleaned up, God's Spirit spoke very clearly to me about my motives and my impatient spirit, my often unloving attitudes, and about trusting Him with the jobs He has given me to do today.  My mind was brought to I Corinthians 13 that talks about all the great things a person can accomplish in life, but if love is not the driving force, it is worthless - it means nothing.  As I was giving the boys a bath tonight, I thought about the chapter in relation to things I tend to struggle with when it comes to loving motives.

Joy's version of I Corinthians 13

If I read my little boys 7 books in a row but try to rush through each one and have not love, I am a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I stay up late with a feverish child or get out of bed early with a teething infant but am impatient and have not love, I am nothing.
If I cook a meal for a new family or sacrificially donate to Operation Christmas Child or talk with a frazzled mom friend on the phone but have not love (and worse, maintain a critical or selfish spirit), I gain nothing.
Love is patient (despite being inconvenienced or having no time for myself), love is kind (even when I am being asked the same question for the 33rd time in a row).  It does not envy (even when it seems like all of our friends materially have so much more than we do), it does not boast (even when I - often driven by my insecurity - want to talk up something amazing that I think my little boy just did), it is not proud (even when it is scary to admit I need help).  It is not rude (even when I believe my husband has misunderstood me), it is not self-seeking (even when I want time for myself instead of caring for my children and home), it is not easily angered (even when I still believe my husband continues to misunderstand me - instead love seeks to understand him and his heart), it keeps no record of wrongs (even when my child has continuously disobeyed me during the day).  Love does not delight in evil (even when someone who was just rude to me on the road gets pulled over a few minutes later for speeding) but rejoices with the truth (even when the truth is hard to face).  It always protects (even when I would rather attack), always trusts (when it is so much easier to give into fear), always hopes (even when we haven't been paid since September), always perseveres (even when it would be easier to turn away when my child needs correction).  Love never fails (though I in my human flesh will fail to love perfectly, my Father God who is defined as Love will never fail).

I am far from perfect - often fall short in loving my family and others well.  But I have a perfect Model who loves me exactly as I need and shows me how to love.  I am rejoicing tonight that He speaks so directly to me - even during a soapy, wet bubble bath with my boys squealing and splashing. I don't want to miss the many opportunities He gives me throughout my day to learn how to love the way He has shown me.

Three

 

Dear sweet Trey,

Happy third birthday!  I am so happy that God gave you to me and Daddy to care for and raise.  You bring so much life, love, and joy into our home.  I love hearing your little voice fill every room that you are in.  I smile when I hear you giggling with Daddy or with Jonathan.  My heart is happy when I see your eyes dance with excitement over something you have just learned or discovered.  I love being your Mommy more than anything else in the entire world.

This was a big year for you.  You became a big brother to Jonathan.  There have been moments when you haven't been too sure about this new little person entering into our family.  But overall, you have been a very loving and sweet brother.  You have gotten really good at saying "I'm sorry" to Jonathan for tackling him or knocking him over.  You have such a tender, sweet (yet determined) spirit.

You are all potty trained now.  We tried back in the Spring but you had so many accidents that we decided to wait until after we moved.  Then in September, I told you one morning "No more diapers."  And you never wore a diaper again.  You are such a big boy, and you have us all clap and cheer for you when you go potty.  You also clap for me and Daddy when we go potty too.  I love your fun loving nature.

You love to read books.  We read before bedtime and often throughout the day.  You enjoy playing with Thomas and your other trains more than anything else, but you have fun coloring and doing other art activities too.  Your favorite movies are Finding Nemo, Toy Story, and LeapFrog Letter Factory.  You ask to go to church, school, and the library on a daily basis.  We also have fun going to the park to walk or play on the playground several times a week.  I love watching you learn, grow, and have fun.

You talk so well and say so many things now - earlier in the year we took you for some speech therapy and I think it helped you.  Some of my favorite things to hear you say are "Mama, lay down with me" when it is time to go to sleep and you want me or Daddy to lay down with you for a little bit.  "Mommy, rock please - mama, cover me with my manky (blanky)" when you want to be rocked a little before going to sleep - you always insist on being covered with your blue blanket.  Or "I go to time out" after you have taken a toy or hit your brother - you automatically know to go sit in time out.  "I wuuuuuuuuvvvvvv you" in your sweet little voice with the "wuv" sounded out over a couple seconds.   "Mama, come fere (here)" as you take me by the finger and guide me wherever you want me to go at the moment.  "I need my tup (cup) please."

We moved from Arizona to Georgia this year, so now we are closer to our families.  You left the only home you ever remember, but now Mommy gets to stay home with you all the time.  I can't think of anything I would rather do than spend my days caring for you and Jonathan and making our home a nice, happy place for Daddy to come home to.  You are loved by so many people - Daddy, Mama, Jonathan, and so many friends and family love you, but Jesus loves you the most.  We pray everyday that one day you will grow to love Jesus too.  Sometimes when you are sleeping, I will lay next to you on your bed and pray for you.  I pray that you will grow to be a kind, loving person who makes a difference in the world, and that one day you will make Jesus the Lord of your life just like Daddy and I have done.  You are such a precious boy, and I am so blessed that you are mine. 

I love you,
Mama

1 month old

15 months old

2 years old

A Little Lesson in Thankfulness

My heart has been hurting the past week and a half for very dear friends of ours who also happen to be my sister in law and brother in law.   After a couple years of wanting a baby but not being able to achieve pregnancy, they were so excited to announce a little over a month ago that they were expecting their first baby.  We all rejoiced with them as we had been praying that God would give them a child.  Everything in the pregnancy was going exactly as expected until last week when she went for an ultrasound.    Just the week before, there had been a strong heartbeat.  They were reassured that this was a good, healthy pregnancy.  Then last Wednesday at 10 weeks gestation when they went in for an ultrasound, the baby had stopped growing and there was no heartbeat.  What had been been sheer joy was now utter devastation - for them and for so many that know and love them. 

I don't understand why God would give such a wonderful gift to these sweet friends only to then let it be taken away.  I know that He loves them, and that He desires good and not evil for them.  But it is so hard to accept this as being sifted through His hand.  I'm not trying to question God or say that I know better than He does because I certainly do not.  This is one thing as a labor and delivery nurse that I always struggled with: the women that do everything right in their pregnancy seem to have more problems (at times) than the women that live very selfishly in their pregnancy by smoking, doing drugs, drinking alcohol, not taking care of themselves physically, etc.  Or why are there so many happily married, loving couples who can't become pregnant yet there are young girls who can get pregnant by accident on a one night stand?

So as I was struggling with this the other night, I decided it was a good time to pray about it with Trey.  We had been praying for the baby, and now we wanted to pray for the sweet parents who were left with unfulfilled dreams and empty arms.  I knelt down on the floor next to Trey, and I told him we were going to talk to Jesus about Uncle Matt and Aunt Renee.  I started to pray and ask God to comfort their hearts, but Trey kept interrupting me. 
"No, Mama, God our Fodder (Father)..."  he said.
"Trey, we'll sing God our Father after we talk to God first."  I said, knowing that Trey wanted to sing the song we sing before our meals thanking God for our blessings.  I started to pray again.
"No, Mama, sing God our Fodder..." he now insisted. 
So instead of speaking our prayer, we began to sing, "God our Father, God our Father, we thank you, we thank you, for our many blessings, for our many blessings, Amen, Amen"
And as soon as we were done singing, I heard the Spirit of God speaking to my heart telling me that in times of not understanding, of unspeakable pain, thankfulness will carry me through.  I may not have the answers to why things happen the way they do, and I don't need the answers.  But my response is to give thanks - not necessarily for the trial but in the trial.  I had wanted to pray with Trey and ask God for comfort for my friends - but through a simple song by my two year old, God reminded me that it in giving thanks, my focus is on my Creator, my Savior, not the seemingly overwhelming circumstances.  A very simple time with Trey yet it was a life lesson for me that I hope to not ever forget. 

Thank you, Father, for meeting me in my hurt and pain and reminding me of your truth.  And thank you for the healing you are already providing to Matt and Renee - please continue to draw them close to You and to each other.  May Your perfect will be done in their lives and their family.

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thessalonians 5:18

New for Today

Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,  for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

I woke up this morning with this on my mind "His mercies are new every morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23)  I was originally thinking that and praying for close friends who recently lost their baby through miscarriage.  But as my day wore on, I continued to claim that promise on this day as a mommy.  It's been a challenging day so far - nothing big to make it hard - just the little things that tend to wear me down.  So I have intentionally thought about how in this day, my Savior's unfailing love and new mercies can renew my mind.

When my ten month old who is going through a growth spurt wakes up hungry at four 'o' clock in the morning, I quietly whine to myself about my "right" to uninterrupted sleep and go get him so he won't wake up his older brother.   As I nurse him in the dark for a few minutes before he drifts off to sleep, I think "His mercies are new every morning."  And His grace has given me this precious, growing one.

When a little voice at a much too early time peers over the side of my bed and says to me "Mama, get up please.  I need my cup.  I am firsty"  I want to insist that he go back to sleep and wake up when I am ready to be awake, but instead I get out of bed and sleepily get his cup for him.  As my toddler snuggles with me in the quietness of the morning, I am reminded "His mercies are new every morning."  And His grace has given me this quiet moment with my not-often-very-still little boy.

When I take my boys to the library for story time, and my toddler continuously pulls me in the opposite direction of where we are headed, I become tired of fighting his own little agenda and disobedience.  I am reminded that His mercies are enough to give me the strength to be kind yet consistent even in these frustrating moments.

When I am fixing lunch, and my little boy decides that he will throw a level eight temper tantrum for no apparent reason, I stand over him perplexed as to how to respond in the right way.  I breathe a prayer for strength and insight, and I remember that even in this temper tantrum, His mercies are new every morning.  And His grace provided an encouraging phone call from my mother in law at just the right time after that.

When I am overwhelmed, frazzled, or just tired from the many mundane tasks involved with mommyhood, I thank my Father for allowing me the privilege of being home full time with my boys.  Even when I am picking up those Mr. Potato Head pieces for the 16th time today and helping my little boy make the 33rd letter "T" in a row on his magnetic doodle pad, I can rejoice that I am doing what God wants me to be doing.  In this purposeful gratitude, I am reminded  that "His mercies are new every day."

I am so thankful to not have to rely on the strength, mercy, and grace that are leftovers from yesterday.  I am claiming the promise that my Father supplies new strength for each new day, and I am so grateful that He speaks to me in the quiet places of my heart at exactly the right time. 

Downgrading

Have you ever felt like your life was circling the drain?  I say this referring to your life getting busier and feeling more cluttered but you can't seem to keep up?  That is how I have felt in the last couple months despite the fact that I am not working outside the home any longer.  I kept thinking that after we moved, things would feel less stressful.  And then I was thinking that after we got our home all unpacked and organized, things would feel less stressful.  And then I assumed that after we all got into a bit of a schedule and routine, life would be a little less stressful.   But it didn't.  Life on the outside kept getting more calm, and life on the inside (of me) kept getting more and more crazy.  I didn't want to say a whole lot to anyone because I didn't want it to appear that I was ungrateful or incapable of staying home with my boys and being a homemaker.  I had wanted so badly to be home with my family, and now that I had it, I was feeling completely overwhelmed.  I realized that I needed to get a grip I needed to be renewed in my mind but I wasn't sure what to do about it.  So as I have been seeking some sort of balance in my life, I have discovered a couple things.  They are simple and basic but also have a profound impact if I'm not following through.
1) I need Jesus.  Really need Him.  I am learning this in a deeper way.  I don't know about you, but I have found that marriage and motherhood have driven me to my knees more than any other roles in my life.  I can't do this on my own.  I need wisdom and insight that can only come from my Heavenly Father.  I have found that I am craving quiet time with Him.  I need to trust Him to provide for us, and be joyfully grateful for all His blessings. 

Trey showing Jonathan pictures in the Jesus Storybook Bible

2) I need sleep.  I haven't really slept well in over 2 years because of working night shift.  Even when I went back to work in January after Jonathan was born, I only slept for a couple hours at a time before David would bring him in to nurse.  My body is still so tired.  And that affects my outlook on life.  Along the same lines is eating properly and exercising regularly.  My body has been out of whack in so many areas because of my work schedule, but I have been trying to be intentional about making small, steady changes.

3) I need friends.  It's not that I don't want to have friends, but all relationships take effort and time.  When I am feeling like I am in #2 above, I don't really want to make time for friends.  But I am finding that by getting out a little bit everyday or so by meeting a friend at the park while our children play, it is helping me overall. I think when you have children, it is hard to reach out because time is so limited, but it is so important.  Other people need me too - not only do my friends have something to offer me, but I have something to offer them too.  I still have a home to manage and children to train, but in the end, I still have free time available for others.    I am so thankful for the women that have befriended me since we moved, and it brings me great joy to see my boys having fun learning and interacting with other children.

4) I need to prioritize.  I get distracted very easily.  Have you ever been around someone who is with you but not present with you?  I tend to be a blog/Facebook addict waste a bit of time on things that don't matter a whole lot.  I have been really convicted of this most recently when we were upgrading my cell phone.  My smartphone had internet on it.  I would sit during any spare minutes I had and surf the web and check status updates on Facebook.  My boys would be in the bathtub, and I would be sitting there with them but checking my email.  I got so tired of wasting my time and not being present.  I couldn't seem to put it down.  I talked in length to my husband about this too.  I don't want to walk through life distracted and unaware of the needs around me.  I want to be attentive to my family.  So we downgraded me.  I gave up my smart phone, and now just have a simple phone to make calls or occasionally text with no internet.  I can't tell you the freedom I felt (and the money we are saving every month) in downgrading my plan.

I have a medical condition (hypothyroidism) that may be causing some of these "funkish" feelings - I recently went to my doctor to have some labs drawn to make sure my thyroid levels are still where they should be.  But I think that a lot of changes at one time (like moving, changing careers, etc.) can be overwhelming to most people.  I am so thankful that God promises that His mercies are new every day - I don't need to worry about how I'm going to get through tomorrow or even next week.  I have to trust He is sufficient for today, and resting in His care brings joy that circumstances can't diminish.

 

Still here

We have barely hanging on due to all the major life changes super busy the past almost 5 months I have stepped away from blogging.   In this post, I talked about some of the changes that I thought may be on the horizon for our family.  It was pretty evident that God was redirecting our family.  David and I both knew that it was time for me to come home from working full time.  It wasn't working for our family anymore.  At all.  I admire the mama's out there that can seem to "do it all".  I am not one of those women.  I was missing my family immensely and feeling guilty for not being home when I was at work.   This was a very clear indication to both David and me that it was time for a change. 

So to not bore overwhelm you with the details, I will summarize the changes that have occurred in our family in the past 5 months.

• David accepted a sales position with a wireless telecommunications company in Northwest Georgia to start in mid-August. 

• We took a quick weekend trip to Santa Monica and Los Angeles, California.

• I resigned from the hospital in late July.  Even though I love being a nurse, I gladly accepted my new position as full time homemaker and mommy even though I feel like I have no idea what I am doing inadequate most days.

• We said goodbye to our church and our friends we have made over the past two years.  It is always hard to say goodbye.  Arizona is the only life Trey ever remembered and Jonathan ever knew.

• We packed up our home in August and then flew to PA for a family visit.  We were able to see all my siblings which only happens every two years.  Trey and Jonathan loved the time with their cousins.

•  David flew back to Arizona a week after went to PA to load our items on a truck and then drove our car out to Georgia.  My parents drove me and the boys down to meet David in TN.

• We stayed with our friends for 10 days before our apartment was ready in late August.  We basically lived out of suitcases for a month straight.

• Trey is now potty trained - he was more than ready.  He started a 2 day a week Mom's Morning Out program at a local church to give us a little structure.   He loves it.

• We bought a second car - a 2004 Toyota Sienna XLE with 53,000 miles. We did it the Dave Ramsey way - saved two years and paid cash for it.   We were so excited.

• Our boys grew, grew, grew and kept us busy, busy, busy.  Trey devoured 311 popsicles this summer.   Jonathan decided there was more to life than mama's milk - he finally decided to eat some fruits and veggies after 3 months of no success.

 We have had a fairly decent transition to Georgia.  The boys did amazingly well with all the travel.  They definitely had their moments (so did I), but we are thankful to be here.  We are closer to family and friends.   As exciting as new things can be, they can also be overwhelming.  I am past the excitement and have crossed over into the overwhelmed a bit.  This is new territory for me - learning how to care for two little boys and manage our home every day.  But as I was reminded this week, because of God's great love, I am not consumed.  He gives strength for each moment.  I would ask you to pray for me as I seek what Jesus has for me and our family each day.  I don't want to miss little moments with my boys or with others because I am bogged down with homemaking responsibilities.

We had Jonathan dedicated to the Lord this summer.  My Dad was with us.

Me, my Grammy, and my boys

Trey's first day of Mom's Morning Out

Our van was worth the wait!

at the Hollywood Walk of Fame

Niagara Falls, NY

Please continue to pray

Please continue to pray for my college friend Becca and her family as their sweet little Audrey is now with Jesus.

Please pray for Audrey

My friend Becca that I went to BBC with and dormed with had a baby girl on Thursday morning 10 weeks early. Little Audrey weighed just over 2 pounds and is fighting for her life right now. Ultrasounds revealed some chromosomal abnormalities while Becca was pregnant - they don't know the extent of her problems at this time. I am especially burdened for Becca, her husband Chad, and their other daughter Ella right now because some of the problems that are occurring with Audrey are the same ones our doctors suspected could be wrong with Jonathan last summer when they found cysts on his brain. This is from Becca's blog description "Through ultrasounds and testing we have been told that there are complications with Audrey, but we are excited that she has been given to us and we trust that the Lord will allow His perfect will in and through this".

Thank you for praying. I know that Becca and her husband love Jesus, and they are clinging to Him right now. He is able to do amazingly more we can expect or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). Please comment on her blog and let her know you are praying.

David

I love this man.

More today than I did three and a half years ago when we were married. There have been some {not very good} days that I have even questioned whether I even liked him or not. But I assure you, I like him too.

I don't like what transpired over the past couple days though. I never remember being so afraid.

Or helpless.

Or alone.

Our little boy Trey woke up on Tuesday night crying after he vomited all over his bed. David and I quickly started cleaning him and his bed up. I put Trey in the tub while David washed his sheets. The next day Trey seemed better but not 100%. We were happy that it was just "a little bug" that he had gotten.

Or so we thought.

On Thursday night, I left for work at 6:30pm. David had started to not feel very well that afternoon, but he was still okay to take care of the boys. He felt a little nauseous is all. As I started my shift at work, the texts from David began telling me he was starting to vomit. He told me the boys were in bed, so I was relieved thinking that he could go to bed and rest then.

I told him to call me if he needed me to come home. We were short staffed at work that night, but I told him I would come home if he needed me to. At 10:30, I got a text from him telling me he couldn't stop vomiting, that Jonathan was crying, and that he didn't have the strength the pick him up.

I called my team leader and told her I needed to leave as soon as possible. I called David and told him I would be home as soon as I handed off my patient assignment to another nurse. I asked him if he needed anything, and he asked me to bring him home some Gatorade. I told him to keep taking sips of Ginger Ale that we had bought for Trey earlier in the week.

When I got home, I wasn't prepared for what I was about to see. I love my husband, but he is {ahem} ... a man. And when it comes to being sick, he needs a lot of care and attention. So I was expecting him to just need me there to help him care for the boys so he could get rest.

What I found was a very sick man sitting slumped up against the bathroom wall with a greenish, gray skin tone. He was burning up with a fever. He was almost non responsive at that point. I had him take some Phenergan that I had to stop the vomiting. He told me he had thrown up about 20 times between 7pm and 11pm as well as having severe diarrhea.

As I was talking to him, I saw his muscles start to twitch. I was holding his right arm, and then he slowly fell over to his left side, hitting the floor. His eyes rolled back. His body was completely pale. He was totally unresponsive. I was shaking him, rubbing his face, and screaming his name.

It was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. All I knew was that I needed to get someone to help me call 9-1-1 so that I could begin CPR on him if I needed to.

I couldn't even think what to do. I ran the next door down {we live in a duplex} to our neighbors and was pounding on their door and screaming for them to answer. After about 10 seconds, I realized they probably couldn't hear me because they take their hearing aids out at night.

I came running back into our place, and I heard David's voice. As he was coming back to consciousness, he heard me screaming as I came back in the house, and thought something had happened to one of our boys. He slowly came to, but he still looked so sick - I knew I needed to take him to the ER. I knew that I needed to call someone to come stay with our boys. Our friends from church Bill and Sandee answered their phone as I called them crying and telling them what had had happened. They got in the car immediately and came down to stay with Trey and Jonathan.

I know as a nurse, I should have responded differently, but I lost all objectivity. In a hospital if that were to happen to one of my patients, I would have other nurses there to help me. I would have access to oxygen, suction, medications, etc.

I felt so completely alone and unable to help him.

We got to the ER where David was given IV fluids to rehydrate him. After 3 liters of normal saline, they were finally able to get a urine sample from him. The ER doctor said that if he hadn't come into the ER that night, he would have probably died from dehydration. That is how sick he was.

He was in the hospital getting IV hydration for 2 days. He came home yesterday, but he is still very weak. He is lightheaded and still nauseous. He hasn't been able to lift Trey.

Thankfully, Jonathan and I have not gotten sick. Rotavirus is what the doctors are thinking he had. It's something that a lot of children get sick with and can be hospitalized for, but it's not common for adults to get that sick from it. But David did get very sick from it.

I am so thankful that even though I felt so alone in those few moments, that I know God was there. I was reminded of this verse while I was waiting on Bill and Sandee to arrive to care for our boys:

"Even when I walk through the darkest valley {the shadow of death}, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me." Psalm 23:4

I am also thankful that God protected David and spared his life. I am thankful I was able to leave work so quickly on Thursday night to care for David. I am thankful for God's sustaining grace while I cared for our boys all day Friday without having any sleep myself. I am thankful for excellent health insurance and for the assurance of so many friends praying for us. Thankful for God providing all that we needed at the time we needed it.

Jonathan - Four Months

Jonathan, my sweet boy, your mama is sorry for not writing more about your sweet little life. It's not that I don't value you as much as I do Trey - he had things written about him all the time when he was an infant. But I am busy enjoying moments with you and have a hard time finding time to sit down and put my thoughts in writing.

You are a delight to our family. I know you were always meant to be a part of us.

Your smile makes all of us smile. Your brother Trey particularly loves when you laugh at him. I can tell already that you and he have a special bond - I pray every day that you will grow to be good friends. You tolerate his slobbery kisses and his forceful hugs so well.

You are a little more serious than your brother Trey but equally happy. You like to study people before you give them the privilege of seeing your gummy smile.

You have bright, sparkling blue eyes - you look quite a bit more like your mama at this point which I'm quite okay with because your big brother is your Daddy's clone.

You are a chubby baby. At your 4 month visit with Dr. Kennedy, you weighed 15 pounds and 7 ounces and were 25 1/4 inches long. You're in the 59% in both - your brother Trey was always in the 25% so you continue to be a bit bigger than he was at his age. I'm glad you have chubs and rolls. We have to clean through 4 rolls on each of your thighs while changing your diaper. You are wonderfully squishy and delightfully snuggly.

You love your hands - particularly your fingers. You study and stare and concentrate and finally work them into your mouth. You also just started rolling from your tummy to your back. Way to go, buddy!

You are still being exclusively breastfed. This is a big deal to me because I feel so bad that I have to work - I don't want that to hinder my milk supply. I am thankful that I am able to pump at work and that you eat so good for Daddy. You eat about 4-5 ounces from a bottle when Daddy feeds you. You sleep through the night, so we haven't started you on cereal yet. Dr. Kennedy said "If it's not broke, don't fix it." So when you become less satisfied with nursing alone, we will start some cereal. Daddy and I bought some cereal for you the other night, so we are all ready when you are.

You went through an entire 9 week Beth Moore Bible study with me - you were so good. And I loved snuggling with you while learning about God and how He worked in and through Queen Esther.

Happy four months, sweet Jonathan. You are so very loved by us, but never forget that Jesus loves you most.

Where God is taking us

I started this back on February 23 - and decided to finish it today - still in the same spot but continue to be prayerful...

I had to reference my friend Tiffany today - she wrote a post this morning that reflects exactly where my heart is at - talking about my divine assignment. I was so encouraged after reading it. I enjoy my job - I love being a nurse. It pays well. We have excellent insurance and other great benefits. I work with some very talented, smart, and caring women. I get the miracle of seeing life come into the world every night I am at work - it never gets old. If I have to work, at least I love what I do. Conveniently, I leave for work when the boys are getting ready for bed and I come home from work as they are waking up.

But as much as I enjoy my job, I love my family more. My heart is torn every night that I leave for work. I feel homesick for my family - if that makes any sense. When we first moved out to Phoenix, David was intending to go to school and I was going to work full time while he did that. God redirected us once we were here. It was amazing really how God provided for us. The day before we arrived in Phoenix, as we were driving in New Mexico, I got an email from a missionary friend. She said their mission was looking for a caretaker for their Glendale property. I made some phone calls, we were interviewed the next day after we arrived in Phoenix, and we moved onto the mission property a day after that. So providential. Even though there have been hard times living here, blessing after blessing has been abundant as well. I will highlight a couple here...

David has been home with our boys while I have been able to work. He is here all during the day doing yard work and maintenance projects around my sleeping schedule. He has grown into his role as a Daddy quite well - he is amazing with our children.

We have been able to remain debt free and grow our savings. We live on just my income but because our housing is provided for the work David does, we have been able to keep our expenses down. We basically live on one of my paychecks a month and save the other. Thanks to the teaching of Dave Ramsey and good ole' common sense, we now have enough saved to have a fully funded emergency fund of 6 months living expenses, have enough cash saved up to buy a used van, and also are close to have 20% cash saved for a down payment for when we buy a home. I shop sales and with coupons. I go to yard sales and consignment stores. It's taken a lot of diligence and hard work, but I am so thankful we are where we are.

We have thrived in our home church Faith Bible Church. I am so thankful that God led us to Faith - it is just what we needed as a family. We never found a church in Knoxville that we loved, and it was a struggle every Sunday morning. I hated Sundays in Knoxville which is a horrible thing to admit let alone write. I felt so disconnected, and I had never experienced that in a church before (even when I moved out to Arizona by myself, I found a church right away and got plugged in there).

God protected us from buying out here in Arizona when we first moved out here. We had intended to buy - even had a contract on a gorgeous, almost brand new 4 bedroom home selling for less than half of what it sold for 2 years ago. But we didn't have a peace from Him about it. So we pulled out of the contract. We sensed God has telling us to remain here serving at UIM and to keep saving for a house in the future. We were disappointed to not settle down at that point, but we wanted to be obedient.

Our marriage is stronger. Our family is more centered. Giving birth to our son Jonathan when we had no family around showed me how much stronger our marriage was. We had no one to depend on but each other, and we did amazingly well.


We find ourselves at a crossroads right now. We know that the time has come for us to switch roles again. My heart and my husband both know I am to be at home. David wants to work outside our home. He is so talented, smart, and gifted but he often fails to see that he is. But to do that entails moving - he can't keep doing what he's doing and work a full time job. We don't know right now what that will involve. We may buy here in Arizona. We may look to move closer to family on the East coast. We are praying diligently about this every day that we will listen to God's voice and follow His direction. It is exciting and scary at the same time, but I am looking forward to what God show us in the coming months.

Family bits and pieces

Trey is learning how to play more gently near Jonathan. Jonathan takes things pretty well - we think he's going to grow up to be a tough little boy. The other night in the middle of the night, Jonathan woke up and I went in to see what he needed. There was Trey in the dark standing at Jonathan's crib trying to console him saying "oh baby". Trey shouldn't have been out of bed, but it was really sweet to see him caring about his brother. I put Trey back in bed, gave Jonathan his pacifier, and then we all went back to sleep.



Jonathan likes to share with Trey ... or so Trey thinks. Trey will sometimes randomly take Jonathan's pacifier and start sucking on it.

At almost 2 1/2 months, Jonathan is holding his head up really well - he has excellent neck and upper body control. This is him after his bath tonight. I think he looks like he is ready to take off.
I was trying to get a picture of his funny hair in the back - it lays horribly and he has a thick dark patch at the bottom that he has had since he was born.