She loves me, she loves me not

I've been reminded about the importance of my motive behind my actions the last couple of weeks.  I sense that God is stirring my heart -  not exactly sure what He is teaching me just yet - but I know He is stirring me and drawing me closer to His heart.  I'm starting to understand in a deeper way that this life is about my relationship with Him not about how carefully I construct my own little rules and then check them off my list.  It's about how my heart and spirit is obedient to Him even when my life (and my children) may still appear messy and not in perfect control.  I've been reminded of this recently because I am so new to this stay at home mom role.  I was initially overwhelmed but am now settling into what God has for me during this season of life.  And I want to do it well.  Here goes my list of expectations for myself: I want the children to mind me when I tell them something.  I want the house to be clean and cozy (not chaotic) when David comes home from work.  I want my dinners to be impeccably timed and tasteful.  I know that my life will not run perfectly, but I have certain standards that I want to maintain.  But today as I was hurrying around trying to get baths done and dinner dishes cleaned up, God's Spirit spoke very clearly to me about my motives and my impatient spirit, my often unloving attitudes, and about trusting Him with the jobs He has given me to do today.  My mind was brought to I Corinthians 13 that talks about all the great things a person can accomplish in life, but if love is not the driving force, it is worthless - it means nothing.  As I was giving the boys a bath tonight, I thought about the chapter in relation to things I tend to struggle with when it comes to loving motives.

Joy's version of I Corinthians 13

If I read my little boys 7 books in a row but try to rush through each one and have not love, I am a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I stay up late with a feverish child or get out of bed early with a teething infant but am impatient and have not love, I am nothing.
If I cook a meal for a new family or sacrificially donate to Operation Christmas Child or talk with a frazzled mom friend on the phone but have not love (and worse, maintain a critical or selfish spirit), I gain nothing.
Love is patient (despite being inconvenienced or having no time for myself), love is kind (even when I am being asked the same question for the 33rd time in a row).  It does not envy (even when it seems like all of our friends materially have so much more than we do), it does not boast (even when I - often driven by my insecurity - want to talk up something amazing that I think my little boy just did), it is not proud (even when it is scary to admit I need help).  It is not rude (even when I believe my husband has misunderstood me), it is not self-seeking (even when I want time for myself instead of caring for my children and home), it is not easily angered (even when I still believe my husband continues to misunderstand me - instead love seeks to understand him and his heart), it keeps no record of wrongs (even when my child has continuously disobeyed me during the day).  Love does not delight in evil (even when someone who was just rude to me on the road gets pulled over a few minutes later for speeding) but rejoices with the truth (even when the truth is hard to face).  It always protects (even when I would rather attack), always trusts (when it is so much easier to give into fear), always hopes (even when we haven't been paid since September), always perseveres (even when it would be easier to turn away when my child needs correction).  Love never fails (though I in my human flesh will fail to love perfectly, my Father God who is defined as Love will never fail).

I am far from perfect - often fall short in loving my family and others well.  But I have a perfect Model who loves me exactly as I need and shows me how to love.  I am rejoicing tonight that He speaks so directly to me - even during a soapy, wet bubble bath with my boys squealing and splashing. I don't want to miss the many opportunities He gives me throughout my day to learn how to love the way He has shown me.